You are fortuate enough to be invited to a party. Lucky freakin you. It’s not one of those giant house parties with a caterer and a bartender. Sorry. It’s a smaller gathering of close friends, perhaps a game night or an oscar party. If you haven’t realized yet that a small gab/game fest of your close friends kicks the rager in the self esteem balls, then self help is definitely in your future.
You could resist the urge to bring something. You could also wonder what ugly things the host is saying about you after you leave for not bringing anything. Don’t worry, they’ll only do it behind your back. Or you could choose to WOW them with a downhome white trash appetizer that will be gone in seconds: the devilled egg.DISCLAIMER: Please check in with the host to evaluate the situation. If the host is an OCD Martha Stewart maven who insists on planning the entire meal, you’re gift should be in bottle form.
DISCLAIMER 2: The bottle should not say “Charles Shaw”.
RECIPE FOR MIKEY’S DEVILLED EGG (that his mom taught him)
One bottle of White Zinfandel
A dozen eggs
Miracle Whip (light may be substituted if you are gay)
Tray, maybe one of those aluminum foil trays from the grocery store
Big Ziploc baggie (not the sandwich ones, the big ones)
Cooking time: 45 minutes (ish)
- Place all the eggs into the pot.
- Fill the pot with water until its 1 inch over the eggs.
- Put onto the stove and turn onto pertty high heat, not exactly fully loaded.
- Pour yourself a glass of White Zin. If you are going to make devilled eggs, you might as well get into the mood.
- Stare at the pot incessantly until it begins to boil.
- Stop being a Gullible Greta. Find something to occupy you for a few minutes. But don’t forget about the pot!
- Take the cell phone and text your friend to let him/her know you will be bringing your famous devilled eggs to the party. Follow it up with, “I know, I know, but it’s kitschy”.
- Realize you forgot about the pot and its been boiling like crazy. Take the pot off of the the burner and move it to another burner. Let it sit for 20 minutes.
- Refill your wine. Go watch a half hour program on tivo.
- When your half hour program is 2/3 done, go to your eggs. Dump out the hot water and refill it with cold water and some ice.
- Refill your glass and go back to your program.
- When the program finishes, go back to your eggs. If they are too hot to touch, do the ice water thing again. If not, then let’s start peeling.
- Now the key to a devilled egg is not f#%^ing up the peeling. Have the cold water running in the sink and do this in the stream. Crack the egg on either the top or the bottom. And peel away a little. Then take your spoon and slide it between the shell and the egg from the opening you’ve created. This may take a few eggs to figure it out. But I have faith in you.
- Once all the eggs are peeled, cut the eggs in half.
- Put the yokes into a big bowl and crush the shit out of them.
- Mix miracle whip (a lot) and mustard (a little) to taste with the yokes. Maybe add some salt n pepper. (The spices, not the group)
- Load your yoke mix into a big ziploc baggie.
- Take a sip of white zin. Not to much…eggs can’t survive drunk driving.
- Now, take your whites in a tray, along with your yoke mix and paprika.
- Arrive at your party. Announce you’ve eaten all the eggs that didn’t cut perfectly and that no one should sit too close to you.
- Arrange the egg whites on a pretty tray or paper plate or old McDonald’s big breakfast box.
- Cut a corner of your ziploc bag and squeeze the yoke mix onto the egg. Doesn’t that look pretty?
- Sprinkle a dab of paprika on each egg for color.
- Serve with a smile!