Ever since I moved to this town of elevated angels and broken down barbies, three little words have haunted me. No matter what form of disarray my relationships and hair are in, these words just ride up my ass like a pair of jeans on a hipster. They float around this town, spying on us, ready to pounce and force us to think or even act in abornmal ways, questioning everything from coffee orders to dick jokes….
I’ll take “I love you” any day. I can deal with “I love you.” Those words are easy. What I can’t handle is:
“THERE’S INDUSTRY HERE”
There I was, ready to do a show I felt pretty damn good about with a few new bittles I had come up with over pinot grigio when the producer leans into me and whispers those words in my ear.
Then it happened. You would think I had just found out I was pregnant and was frantically trying to figure out how to abort the baby without my parents knowing, not to mention I don’t look good with swollen ankles. I started lunging at my set with my comedic coat hanger.
Why?? When I know that for some strange reason, my comedy works when I open with something fresh. I don’t recommend it for comics, but for me it helps. (I always make sure the second bit is tried and true, in case I have to clean up an uncomfortable mess from the first bit).
I’m just perplexed how the simple announcement of industry can alter the course of the heavens. Half the time I swear it’s just janitor who happens to have a business card from William Morris and didn’t want to pay cover.
Even more annoying than the words are the people who pretend they are unaffected by them. Or the word “industry” in general. If you are one of those people who tell me you are not affected in the least by Hollywood, and the minute someone of any notoriety wants to hang out with you, you drop your plans like panties at a prom, then you, my friend, are a douchebag. So yes, throw on your Ed Hardy and own it.
That was mean. God, why am I mean tonight? I’m sitting at this super peaceful coffee shop in Larchmont, and there should be no bitterness around me.
I really should start smiling, laughing, pretending I am in a delightful mood. After all, there might be industry here.
Love and swollen ankles,