ode to the drunk drivers

While I haven’t kept it a secret, I also haven’t written much about the fact that in January this year, I got a DUI. Yep, that happened. Not one of my finer moments by far. At the same time, it’s a non-fine moment that unfortunately many people share.

I will get this disclaimer out of the way right now. Don’t do it. Really, it’s not worth it. The next time you think, “I’m going to drive because I don’t want to pay for a cab,” remember that car ride could cost you around 10 G or more. Any of my new DUI friends can tell you that. We can also tell you that we consider ourselves pretty damn lucky for not hurting anyone. But that’s not really something to rely on luck for.

Now that my disclaimer is out of the way, let’s get back to the fun. Part of my sentence was to take a 3 ½ month DUI…er…I guess anti-DUI… class. Last night was my last one, in which I was awarded a bottle of sparkling apple cider. And then I had to say something. As you all know, I take stage time very seriously, so I wrote a poem to the amazing kids I had come to know in class. Let’s face it, if you’re stuck in a crappy situation, why not make the most of it and get to know a few other people caught in the same crap?



On a fateful day in January

I went looking for some ass.

I guess I though I’d find it

At the bottom of a glass.


Though Adam loved to chat,

And his looks, they were a please-ah.

He shunned my suave advances.

I found my orgasm in some pizza.


(that part I have to say a certain way to make it rhyme right)


That gourmet meal couldn’t contain

My alcohol, nor my luck.

I hit a car, or maybe two,

Oh, jesus, holy…cow.


(We aren’t allowed to swear in DUI school)


Cops, jail, blow, crap,

Lawyer, judge, plea, that’s a wrap.

Here Mr. Hayesworth, here’s your big check.

Every Thursday night for 3 months, my new pain in the neck


Oh….wait…not so bad…

I shan’t put up a fight,

With a sassy cool haircut girl to my left

And Vin Diesel to my right.


(not really…just a sexy buff bald man)


And a slew of other homies

With stories just like me,

Except for that girl who said she only had a half a drink at the Abbey

And blew a .11….I mean, really?


Those kids have made it fun.

For style, they have a knack.

I’ll cherish all of our side bets

On who would be the first to crack.


(seriously, we kept waiting for this one guy to gun everyone down one day)


Remember we’re all human,

And ‘tis human to err.

We’re not bad people.

We just have a little flare.


But please don’t do it again.

I beg you, be safe.

Cause all of us can tell you,

Those handcuffs? Girl, they chafe.


Stay sober or stay away

From anything with keys.

Except your apartment. That’s ok.

But no bikes, and no skis. (You know who you are)


So with good thoughts of all,

I leave the class confines.

But please, above all else,

Stay within the god damn lines.


(if you went passed a line on the sign in sheet the crazy office lady got extra crazy. Any of us who had lower case y’s or g’s or q’s had no idea what to do)

love and safe driving,


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