I think as certain things in the world increasingly aggravate me, my role in changing them will be to bitch about them here. Please feel free to email me suggestions for future “5 douchey things” posts.
Listing these does not at all say I am completely innocent of these, and should you choose to not hang out with me because you’ve witnessed me doing one or more of them, I will applaud your conviction and hold no grudges.
5. Name Drop
If you are experiencing the giddy, OMG-I-was-at-a-party-with-John-Stamos! And you tell your friends, that’s ok. Even kinda cute.
If you feign nonchalant and discuss how you were walking around with your friend Gwyneth Paltrow before meeting Ben Affleck for drinks, then you, sir, are annoying.
Newsflash: Everyone knows that people who are actually friends with notable people don’t mention their names. You’ll notice my actual friends don’t go around saying, “My pal, Mikey Scott-“ because they respect my privacy as a celebrity.
4. Tip Badly
Once I went to a bar my friend, Sara, who bought a house from bartending, and got a round of drinks for us. The server was ridiculously rude, approaching mean, without any reason. We did not tip her. This is the ONLY time we have left even a remotely bad tip.
Service is good. – 20% plus.
Service is meh. – 15%
Service is bad or you are cheap. – Less than 10%
Bartenders, please comment…is the $1 a drink thing still acceptable or are we strictly percentage now?
3. Wear Sunglasses at Night.
Unless you are Jack Nicholson or blind, this is not ok.
2. Always One-Up Other People’s Problems
I get how our brains work. We hear things that make us think of things in our lives.
“Oh my god! You got in a car wreck? I just found out I need a new engine!”
A lot of times we get so carried away with what our thought was that by the time we realize we did it, we forget what the other person said that started it all. And that poor person was telling you in hopes that you would brighten the storm…not steal the damn thunder.
It happens. Once in a while, that’s understandable.
Always? Then you’re just self-centered. I think the clinical term is Douche. All you have to do is listen a little while, then you can introduce your own. If it’s that big, you’ll remember it.
1. Act like you’re better than someone.
love and 25 percent,