Ok. It’s no secret I’m obsessed with this movie. I even took a date to see the live version last year, only to bitch later about how I didn’t show up the same night as Helen Slater. Can you imagine!?!
If you don’t know the movie, freakin’ watch it. But in the meantime, here’s a synopsis. I would say spoiler alert, but the movie is almost 30 years old. It done spoiled already.
Billie Jean is super pretty because she is from the planet Krypton, and they breed well there. She has a little white trash brother named Binx, and they live in a trailer park next door to Lisa Simpson. This bully in town steals Binx’s moped, trashes it and leave’s Binx so bruised he looks like Amanda Lepor. BJ goes to the bully’s dad, who owns a little shop on the beach of crappy souvenirs, to collect the scooter repair money. The dad tries to rape BJ, totally downplayed in the movie btw, and Binx accidentally shoots him in the arm. Then they become famous. Billie Jean cuts her hair and starts to dress all butch because she watched 10 minutes of a Joan of Arc movie. All hell breaks loose. The guy’s shop burns down. Binx decides to get a skateboard instead. The end.
Now…here’ are 5 lessons that make this movie AMAZING.
5. Strawberry milkshakes suck universally. The whole thing started because of a strawberry milkshake. They do not ever, ever bring the boys to the yard.
4. When a dirty old man wearing a denim shirt asks you to go to his office upstairs, you are asking for trouble. Only go with someone wearing a pink or perhaps a nice paisley shirt. Then you’ll be fine.
3. In order to not be recognized in any situation, you need a fedora and a pair of sunglasses. Instant disguise. Boom.
2. A new hairdo makes all the difference in public perception of you. When I cut my hair I got 6 messages that day on OKCupid. Funny thing is I didn’t even change the profile pic. People just new.
1. Karma is a nasty bitch. If you don’t acknowledge the universal rule of Fair is Fair, and perhaps throw your arms up in a muscle pose while you do it, then your proverbial knick-knack shop just might burn down.
love and strawberry milkshakes,