I suck at “selfies.” I look bored. Irritated. Bloated. Sometimes I look a little creepy, like a guy who has a van that’s on some watch list. Yet I still try. And I still fail. Perhaps because I can’t quite grasp the point of the selfie.
I understand naked selfies. They serve a purpose. They either provide fair trade in order to get another naked selfie returned. Or they tempt the receiving party, creating expectations that one day it won’t be a photo in your inbox. It’ll be a full, 3 dimensional penis attached to a man. Unless you were hoping for something else. In that case, I hope what arrives is what you expect.
But the face selfie? Why? I recently went on an amazing Cali road trip with my mom. And on more than once instance it occurred to me: You know what would make this amazing view better? My head in an awkward position taking 2/3 of the frame. Yes! That screams memories. Because if I don’t see that head, I will forget that that exact head might have been behind the camera when the photo was taken.
My brother just adopted a new little girl from China. Adorable. She’s five, and has lived in the orphanage up until now. So while my mom was visiting, she face-timed me with my new niece. In reality, I could see her, but we were not connecting. My niece was far more interested in someone else on the screen. Herself. She made a series of faces, gestures, even noises, as any mammal will do that discovers its own image for the first time in a new device. I wonder if I look like this when I take a selfie. Is this why most are taken in the bathroom?
Despite my angst regarding this art form, it only seems to be on the rise. So I googled selfies to see what I like. What makes a good selfie?
- Holding an animal in the selfie. While I am not particularly a dog person (freakin’ shoot me), most people are. A furry friend makes you look slightly less self-absorbed.
- Arms are more interesting than phones. Thus, holding it out from you provides a less douchey demeanor than using a mirror.
- Don’t show your face and your privates in the same photo unless you want the world to see them. I’m only mildly a celebrity, and you would never see me letting the above and below share the same frame disrobed.
- Limit the amount of “mysterious-yet-pensive-may-or-may-not-be-sad expressions. I’m talking to you Bieber.
- Flexing in a selfie is uncomfortable for everyone except you.
As time goes on, I plan to improve my selfie abilities, which will hopefully make me embrace this art form. Hmmm…can an art form really happen in the bathroom? Don’t answer that.
Love and Beebs,