I recently joined this phenomenon called Tinder. I was curious and felt I could always use the opportunity to take my self esteem down a few pegs. Though I am confused about this mysterious app. Is it for hooking up? For dating? For both? And if it’s both, how do you know which you’re going to get?
Whichever it is, I will say that the concept of swiping right or left, yes or no, within seconds of seeing someone’s photo is insane to me. And somehow incredibly fun. It feels like the Candy Crush for dating.
Plus, I have become a Tinder snob. Friends will watch as I swipe left within seconds, asking, Mikey, how could you possibly know? I realized I developed a subconscious set of rules. Most of these are completely unjustified, but hey, they’re not your rules.
Automatic left (no) swipes from Mikey:
Your main photo is your dog. Just your dog.
Hey, I think a guy with a pup is great. They’re lovable and fun…most of them at least. If you’re that obsessed with Fido that he gets the lead role on your dating profile, I’m sure you’ll find a lovely dude equally obsessed with dogs to take you on. I’m not him.
You’re with a group of dudes.
I’m not looking to play a game of Where’s Waldo here. I feel like to pull this off you would have to be absolutely confident that you’re the shining face amidst the group. I’m not that confident. I crop those bitches out.
You have no head.
I’m a face person. It tells a lot. Not showing one tells a lot, too. Like, “Hey, these abs or so nice who cares what the rest is like?” I do; paper bags now cost ten cents.
Every photo is a selfie.
- Over selfie-ing is a serious epidemic, and I’m not sure I could provide the emotional support for someone who suffers from it.
- Having no photos taken by other people makes me wonder if you have friends. I don’t have the time to be your only one. This girl’s got shows to do.
You pucker your lips in every photo.
Once can be cute and funny if you have a good pucker face. More than that and I wonder what you do to the mirror when you brush your teeth in the morning.
Every photo is the same with a different Instagram filter.
Mikey, do people really do this? Yes. In this guy’s defense, one was cropped a little differently, but they were ALL THE SAME PHOTO. Unless you’re the Tinder Andy Warhol, you go to the left.
You didn’t write anything in your bio.
“Hey, I’m so pretty I don’t need to have a personality.”
You say something way too serious in your bio.
“I’ve been burned before, and I don’t want that to happen again. So please don’t contact me if you’re a flake.” Why don’t you just wear a shirt with a red flag on it? Way too much pressure for me to even consider this chat.
You don’t smile in a single shot.
Whether it’s in bed or at the movies, I want to know the person I’m going to spend a little time with can have and can be fun. Call me old fashioned, but I find the inability to smile not fun.
“So Mikey, with all of these rules, how many Tinder dates have you been on?”
But when I do, he won’t be arriving at my door wearing a weird pucker face.
love and red flags,